Eventful Tables' Public Apology to the Makan Pets Committee (Satire)

What the apology says

It is written in the exact voice of every corporate apology you have scrolled past this year. Following an investigation by the Committee of Seven Makan Pets, or CSMP, Eventful Tables apologises for providing real food recommendations to the public.

The charge sheet is that we aided and abetted Singaporeans in finding out they are a Shiok Sambal, an Aircon Angel, a Kiasu King, an Atas Auntie, a Big Bao or a Broccoli Beast. If those names mean nothing to you, the Makan Pets quiz explainer is the case file.

The offence: ruining "anything lah"

Here is the logic of the joke, and it holds up. Accurate personalities can mislead consumers into knowing exactly what they want for dinner. Once you know you are a Shiok Sambal, you can no longer say "anything lah" with a straight face, and the whole national system of dinner indecision falls apart.

Then the turn. We regret nothing, we have taken zero corrective measures, and the conduct will recur daily. Which, for a food page, is just an accurate posting schedule.

The committee is watching

The second slide is the committee, sort of. Six pets peek in from the edges, all with the same unimpressed side-eye, around one line: link in bio, eventful-sg.com/makanpets. Count the faces on the slide and the committee of seven is one member short. Make of that what you will.

If you want to know who on the committee would actually agree with whom, we lined up the besties and enemies. A seven-member committee with three feuds inside it is not reaching a verdict quickly.